Trying to Find Drive

I often find myself planning on starting a task, a project, or idea and yet never seem to finish it – or even start it in most cases. It’s rather bad habit of mine that I too often dwell in the cerebral state and don’t “do” as often as I should. This bad habit leaks into all areas of my life: exercise, painting, writing, watching, etc. I do manage to clean quite effectively though ;). I don’t know if my issue is that I feel I’ve already gotten it done because I’ve thought about doing it so much, or if it’s just downright laziness (the most likely of culprits). I can’t quite contribute it to fear because my biggest fear is NOT getting enough things done in the short span of a lifetime. Perhaps it is slightly based on fear then because I become so overwhelmed with the ideas of having/wanting to get so much done, that I just never get any of them done in the first place. I think too a lot of it has to do with the fact that after I get done working my 8 hours at the office, then come home to clean something, then my husband arrives, we eat, and then we just sit around and vegetate for a while. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day. I feel a need to decompress after working at work and working domestically at home.

I can’t even tell you the last time I painted or worked out. I feel like I have done nothing but exist and carry out the most mundane of duties to maintain my lifestyle for the past several months. Even on Saturdays when I have a large amount of “me” time, I often end up just wanting to do nothing because my days have been filled up with large amounts of somethings that nothing just sounds so much more enticing. So I continue to get nothing done and I continue to feel unaccomplished. I have many ideas and random bursts of creative impulse, but then… I do nothing with them. I’m beginning to feel guilty, as though I’m insulting whatever greater force exists out there (God? The Divine? My own intuition?) that is feeding me these ideas by not executing them. I’m also disappointing myself for lacking the drive and motivation to get more accomplished. Even spiritually I’ve been more than lazy. I haven’t meditated or done the most mundane of spiritual practices in what feels like an eternity. I go to church practically every Sunday with my husband, so I suppose that can count to an extent, but I don’t always feel intensely moved and spiritual every time I go (I sincerely doubt anyone does) although I certainly do on many occasions. God is everywhere and in everyone, no?

Could I just be in a rut perhaps? A cold spell? I certainly want to do all of these things I think of to do, yet I keep finding excuses for myself. Perhaps I just really need to give myself a mental and spiritual kick in the metaphorical pants. Actually updating my blog is a good sign to be sure. I think my next goal should be to create something new and physical, whether it be a drawing, painting, poem, short story, or even begin serious work on that children’s book I started and then never finished. But in any regard, here’s to hoping that I find the motivation to get myself actually “doing” stuff in addition to all of the “thinking” of stuff.

~ ♥ ~


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